I can’t give you any magic words. Each parent and each child and each grandparent and each child care provider is different. But I will urge you to try to say that you really care. Parents need to know that even though that little baby was only with them for a short while they were important not only to those parents but to everyone whose lives were touched by him or her. So calling the family and letting them know you are thinking of them and the baby. Let them know that the baby was remembered. Use the baby’s name in your conversation. Most important give those parents opportunities to talk about their pain as well as the joys the baby brought into their lives and your life.

On the website http://www.idcw.org is a copy of recommendation that parents created of dos and don’ts. This is worthy of your consideration. In my experience, parents do not like to hear you say that you understand. Because they know that there is no way anyone else really can understand all the pain of their grief. Perhaps if you have also had a child die you come close but each person’s journey is different and needs to be respected. The second big mistake is to in anyway suggest that things will be fixed if they have another baby. Again each child is different and this baby who died can not be replaced, he or she is very special. Sometimes having another child will renew their faith in life and give them a new dream and hope. But another birth will also bring great fear. Because now they know that a baby can die.

One of many expressions of grief is anger. This comes out in many ways, at the doctor, God, SIDS, the coroner, and no matter how well meaning you are sometimes it is directed at you. Apologize and try again. Just don’t leave the family isolated. Many times it is better to just call and say hello, I was thinking about you, and just listen. Grieving folks need people to listen. Listening is so much more important than talking.

I hope this answers your question. If not please feel free to contact me.

–Dora Gorski